The 'F' word

It's obnoxious and rude.

If you want to let it out in the privacy of your own home, fine. But it just isn't appropriate in public. Especially on a treadmill in a gym - where dozens of other people are trying to workout around you. I mean, even if it is silent, it still stinks.

Yes, I'm talking about farts.

I know, that word is so gross. I also know that farting is a fact of life - everyone does it. That doesn't change how disgusting it is.

This topic originated this morning, as I was running on the treadmill at the gym. Here's the scene:
Immediately to my left is a woman, probably mid-30s, in shape, running at a good pace of about 6 mph. She doesn't take any breaks, and ends up running for one hour before she gets off. (For you math dummies, that means she went 6 miles.)
The treadmill to my right is not being used.
Two treadmills away, on my right, is a man who I have never seen at the gym before. He seems to be in decent shape, and appears to be doing some interval training, walking for a short time and then running as fast as he can (we're talking 9 mph and faster) for a short amount of time.

So, I get on the treadmill and begin my morning run. It feels great. I'm in the groove, hardly even noticing that I'm running, letting the morning news crew fill me in on everything that's going on in the world.

Then, it happens.

I smell a fart.

Did I really just smell a fart? Oh yes, that is definitely a fart.

I look around me. It couldn't be the girl on my left. She's a woman, looks pretty athletic... she'd hold it in, right? Then I look to my right past the vacant treadmill to see the man running as fast as he can. Oh yeah, for sure had to be this guy. First of all, he's a man. Secondly, he's running super fast so it would be harder for him to notice that he was going to fart. Gross, dude. For real. Gross.

Okay, the smell is gone. Back to focusing on my workout and the news. Ahhhh.... this is nice.

And then, it happens again. AGAIN!

Who on earth would have the nerve to fart more than once at the gym? Okay, so maybe the first time it was an accident - it could happen to the best of us. But, twice?? The girl on my left is still running, keeping up her pace, looking quite comfortable. The guy on my right...well, he's now running super fast again. What an inconsiderate jerk. He has to smell that! He has to know he's farting and subjecting all of us to his gross bodily odor. I really don't like that guy.

As the smell begins to fade again, along with the disgusted look on my face, I once again begin to focus on my running. I'm about 20 minutes in now - two miles. I haven't decided how far I'll go today, but at the very least I need to run one more mile. There's no way that guy will fart a third time. No way.

You may be wondering why I don't just move to a different treadmill. Well, as any of you other treadmill runners will understand, once I've run a mile or two on a particular treadmill, I cannot switch to a different machine. That would be like starting over. I need those numbers to say exactly how far I ran. If I were to get off this treadmill after running two miles and move to a different treadmill, the numbers would all say zero. It would be like I was starting over. I know this is stupid. I could have moved, run one more mile, and known that I had run three miles total... but that machine saying that I ran only one mile would seriously drive me nuts. So I stayed put.

About five minutes later, the fast-running man leaves his treadmill and heads for the weight room. Thank you, God. I glance at the woman to my left, wanting to exchange looks of relief, but she doesn't look back at me. She's in the zone, which is where I would be if this gross guy hadn't completely interrupted my runner's high. At least he's gone now and I can complete my run without the smell of his farts.

Ahhh...I'm sweating, the good endorphins are flowing, and I'm almost to mile five. This workout is turning out to be pretty good. Then, it happens. As I am once again repulsed by the same fart smell, I look to my left where the woman is still running, but turning around, trying to see if the fart she just let out smells as bad as the previous ones.

It was her all along.

I wanted to stop running and give her a quick "Gym Etiquette 101" class right there. Honey, if you have gas, don't subject other innocent runners at the gym to it. Either run outside, or invest in a little treadmill for your basement. It will save you the embarrassment, and save the rest of us from the odor.

Okay Mr. Fast Runner to my right, I take back all the terrible things I was thinking about you. I was wrong...
And if I ever see the farting girl again, I'm seriously finding a treadmill as far away from her as possible.

Sorry for the gross topic today....I couldn't resist.


  1. You can not say you've never farted at the gym! I was at a fitness instructor meeting once and the farting and step aerobics got mentioned. All the girls taught step mentioned that they always had to fart once they started teaching it, like step MADE the gas want to escape. It was pretty funny.

    Worse fart story was when I was teaching yoga in Turks and Caicos...

    Then again I have worse stories than just farting when it came to working there!

  2. I said that the mistake fart can happen to anyone...but this girl was repeat offender - like 3 or 4 times in ONE HOUR. If it's that bad, you just need to respect everyone else who is breathing heavily around you...


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