I don't know what to do

I had an entire conversation with myself tonight - I played both parts.

Hi Sarah.
Hi Grandpa. Whatcha doin'?
Drinkin' a glass of wine.
Mmmm. Robert Mondavi Private Selection Merlot?
That sounds good.
It is pretty good.
What did you do today?
I went down to JB's for breakfast. Then Beth and I went to lunch at Olive Garden.
Oh, that sounds good. How are you feeling today?
I'm sorry, Grandpa. What's the matter?
Oh, you know, it's hell gettin' old.
Yeah...I know. Well, I just wanted to call and say goodnight. I'm on my way to class.
Okay, hon. Have a good night at class. I love you.
Love you to, Grandpa. I'll call you in the mornin'.
Okay, bye.

Does that make me crazy? I'm thinkin' it probably does.
I didn't know what to do with myself on the way to class. Usually I call Grandpa. I talk to Grandpa twice a day, every day. Now I can't talk to Grandpa ever again.

He's more than just my grandpa. He practically raised me. From newborn to 5 years old, I spent every weekend - Friday until Sunday - at his house. From 5 years old to 17 years old, I spent three months every summer at his house. From 17 years old until 23 years old I lived with him. He put soap in my mouth when I told my grandma "no." He was with me when I got my first job. He was with me when I bought my first car. He comforted me at the funeral of my mother, his daughter. He walked me down the aisle on my wedding day.

Now he's gone.

I don't know what to do.

Henry Verbais passed away on Wednesday April 13 at 6:51 p.m. He had battled lung disease for years, and his body was tired. He was tired.
I flew in to Tucson on Wednesday morning. I was able to talk to him - to tell him how much I love him and how grateful I am to have had him in my life. We reminisced about old times, looked at pictures, laughed, cried. I asked if he was scared. He said no - that he was ready.

I wasn't ready. I feel so lost and alone. Am I ever going to feel better? Will life ever resume some sort of normalcy?

I'm so terribly sad. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I don't want to exercise, go to work, school, wherever... I don't know what to do.

Grandpa, you were such a good man to me. You changed my life in so many ways. You were there for me when I needed someone the most. You were there through the good times, the bad times, and everything in between. You taught me how to be a good person. You taught me how to make eggs.
You made the best eggs and toast - perfectly done - the white of the egg was always cooked, the yolk was always runny. Salt and pepper. Butter covered every inch of the white toast, cut in half. Dip, dip, dip that perfect toast into the perfect egg.
You cut my spaghetti into really small pieces because I wasn't good at twirling it around my fork.
You had the nicest yard in the neighborhood.
You could fix anything, no matter what.
Now all of that is gone.

I don't know what to do.

My heart is broken. My grandpa is gone, and I don't know what to do.

I miss you, Grandpa.


  1. So sorry to hear about your loss! It's never easy losing someone. I'm glad to hear you have so many fun and positive memories with him, those will stay with you for a lifetime

  2. live your everyday as a tribute to your grandfather- I'm sure he would be very proud of you. Don Anderson

  3. Its hard, but just look at all the memories you have and you can remember, share, and you will never loose those memories, they will always be with you

  4. Oh hon, I am so, so sorry. I hope that somehow you can be reminded how blessed you were to have such a wonderful man in your life and to find solace in the great legacy he left in you. I know that won't ease the pain and the heartache but perhaps it will make a few moments a bit easier. Smile because a great man loved you... and you loved him... the essence of life.

    Oh, and hug that sweet boy of yours... I'm sure those little arms wrapped around you will give your heart a bit of healing.

  5. I'm sorry Sarah. Loss is sooo hard. Grieving is healthy love. Hard, super hard but healthy. :(


Post a Comment

Popular Posts